The First Time

The First Time by Kevin at Christian Domestic Discipline

And so the time had come.  We had considered it. Discussed it. Debated it. Researched it.  Prayed over it and finally agreed to it.  And so in silence she undressed as I sat on the end of our bed.

 

She stood in front of me

Naked, vulnerable, questioning, searching and yet still trusting.

Her nakedness, her vulnerability, reached far beyond the clothes that she had dutifully discarded.

My respect for and attraction to her reached so far beyond the beautiful form she revealed to me.

 

Gently, nervously and yet oh so longingly I reached out to her, taking her by her wrist and silently I guided her closer to me so that she came to stand before me and yet so deep within my heart.

 

The man in me wanted so much simply to enter her, to cherish her, to experience her. The husband in me needed so much to nurture her, guide her, respond to her, to protect her.

 

Our eyes met and within our gaze so too did the oceans of questions that I knew flooded our minds.  Questions that now found their voice only in the silent reflection each of us were having and the prayers that found voice only in our own individual heart-speak. .

 

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"How do I discipline her and yet love her at the same time?"

"What words do I use?"

"What if I can't go through with it?"
"How can I, who messes up so much myself, discipline her for messing up?"

"Will I irredeemably change the way she looks at me?"

"How can I who am suddenly feeling so nervous and unsure, show her the strength and assurance that I know she needs from me right now?"

"Lord, I need your strength and guidance."

 

And what of her?  What of the questions I knew were swimming behind her searching gaze?

 

Is she asking…

"If she was doing the right thing?"

"How can some one discipline her and love her at the same time?"

 "How she should react?"

"If she could actually go through with this?"

"Will this change the relationship we had with each other?  The way she looked at me?  The way she looked at herself?"

"If she was a child or a woman?"

"How can she put aside her fear and submit?"

 

Is she too asking the Lord for guidance and strength?

Is that guidance and strength meant to come to her through what I now do?

 

"You know we discussed this?" I asked her firmly but lovingly.

She said nothing and yet in this I knew she was saying yes.

 

"And you know that this is something we both agreed was what God would want from us both?"  She nodded, "I know," she whispered her nerves spoken only through the gentleness of her response.

 

"I love you and want so much to help you fight your temper."  I told her. "And I will do anything to help you be the woman, the mother, the wife you need and want to be and who God wants you to be."

 

Her trembling hand reached out and rested on my arm. 

 

"And I will do anything to be the man, the father, the husband, God wants me to be." I added as I pulled her across my lap and held her gently but firmly as I guided her into position..

 

And so it had started, a new journey, a new loving, a new depth - a new beginning born out of the desire to be obedient, to cherish, to love, to nurture and to respond. 

 

A new world born out of a heart felt loving and washed in the tears we both shed and shared that night.

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