Chivalry

Chivalry

When in the company of ladies, there are a variety of rules of etiquette that must be followed, and collectively, these rules are what we call chivalry. In the Middle Ages, chivalry was all about defending a lady's honor, and although no ladies today would expect you to slay someone for her, the spirit is still there. Chivalry is frowned upon by some because it portrays a lady as weak and helpless. I tend to disagree. Chivalry, to me, is the way that a gentleman displays his respect for a lady, and this isn't only during dates or with women that you are interested in. Chivalry is the action that every gentleman should display in the presence of any lady.
For example, one of my friends, Liz, had a mountain of books to take out to her car, but it was a pretty hefty pile of books, and she was pregnant at the time. So I offered to carry her books for her to her car. Now, I'm not married to Liz, and I'm not trying to get into her good graces. It's quite simply what any gentleman would have done.
Chivalry is not something one does all the time. There are times to remain quiet. There are times to offer. There are times to insist. This is the skill of chivalry. Taken too far, chivalry is oppressive to a woman. The goal of chivalry isn't to act like someone's parent. However, taken too lightly, it's without any purpose. There are a series of give and takes, back and forths, that get laid out over the course of an interaction with a person. It can be something as subtle as staring at an empty water glass to something quite obvious as asking you directly to do something. I can't stress this enough: different situations call for different levels of chivalry. You cannot just follow all the rules of chivalry all the time.
If you are with a lady who similarly is knowledgeable on the arts of chivalry, she will leave you a string of hints or cues, and a series of 'thank you's for your efforts. She will also indicate when you have gone too far. I can't tell you much more than that. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a skill.
To put the rules of chivalry quite simply, it is treating every lady you meet like you would treat your own mother. If you do that much, you're doing pretty good, and the rest of this page is just flourish.

Doors

• Hold open every door - When you are accompanying a lady, you should open every door for her. If there are two sets of doors, you should hold open the first one, then move ahead to get the second set of doors as well. If you are with a lady who knows what you're doing, she'll wait for you. If there are other people behind her or in front of her, you should hold the door open for them as well. If there is any elderly people, you should also hold the door for them as well. As a general rule, you should hold the door open for everyone until another gentleman comes along, for whom you do not need to hold open the door.
• Car doors - You should open the car door for a lady and close it behind her. You should help her getting into and out of a car by offering your hand. This sounds trivial, but often, being in a skirt and in high heels can make getting in and out of a car quite an experience, so your help is functional as well. There's the 'test' that people talk about. If you let a girl into a car and she then unlocks your door for you, then she's a keeper. I'm sure you've heard it. Well, I wouldn't pay any credence to such a test.
• Her keys - A lady may give you the key to her home when your date is finished. This is not an invitation inside. She is giving you her keys so you can open her door for her. Let me repeat that. She is giving you her keys so you can open her door for her. If she wants you to come in, she will invite you in. And as long as I'm talking about it, you may not leave her doorstep until she excuses you. That is to say, she will enter her house, turn on her lights, put away her keys, and when she is satisfied with the status of her abode, she will either invite you in or say good night.

Sitting & standing

• Offering your seat - No matter where you are or who you are with, if you are seated and there is a lady (or elderly person) standing, you should offer your seat. If she refuses, you should offer more forcefully, so as to overcome a simple polite refusal. If then she still declines, you must respect her wishes. But you may periodically offer again, should she change her mind. Even if there are plenty of seats available, if a lady is standing, you should offer, seeing as she may be desirous of your seat for its cushion, view, whatever.
• When to stand - Anytime the lady that you are accompanying rises from her seat, you should stand too. You should remain standing until she is seated or until she leaves the table. If you are seated next to a lady, you should assume the duties that would be performed by a companion. Any time that the lady you are accompanying is standing, you should stand as well. Also, in small settings, such as a parlor or den, when a lady enters the room, all men should stand. In large settings, such as a ballroom or dining hall, this is not necessary.
• When to sit - You should seat yourself next to the lady that you accompany, unless you are on a date, where you may sit across. The lady should always be on your left. This goes out the window when your lady is the hostess of an event. When attending a concert or event, you should first inspect the seating and then allow the lady to proceed to the seats first, such that you are always the one closest to the aisle. In these situations, it is permissible to go against the 'on the left' wisdom.
• Seating a lady - As noted in the dining section, when seating a lady at a table, you open the chair to her, then push it till it gently brushes the backs of her legs. Then push the chair in as she sits. Every time she leaves the table, you must help her with her chair, and then help her back into the chair. If you have a choice of seats, you should ensure her the best possible lighting or view.

Escorting as a skill

• Carry things - You should always offer to carry any burdensome or heavy items for a lady. This includes suitcases, packages, books, bags, even purses, depending on the circumstance. This is especially true when a lady is dressed for a night on the town. Most women's fashion is deleteriously short on pockets. You should get used to the idea that your coat pockets will be full of random things she wishes to bring.
• Coats - You should always help a lady in and out of her coat. This is again functional. Often, with some dresses and some coats, getting into and out of a coat is very difficult. Think of when you go to the tailor, and he helps you put on a suit coat. Isn't that so much easier? And you're just wearing a dress shirt. Try that with a dress.
• Checking in - When you check your coats, you should take the coat from the lady you are accompanying, and take care of the checking coat process. You should also keep her claim ticket.
• A lady on your arm - You should offer a lady your left arm when walking. This is again functional. Walking long distances in heels is pretty impractical, and heels are not the most stable footwear. Always on your left. A word of caution. You should not offer a lady your arm unless your relationship is intimate. That is to say, this is the action of couples who are married, engaged, or have been together for some time. A lady on your arm implies a closeness of relationship that may be inappropriate in some settings. If a lady desires your arm, for functional purposes, offer, but if you are unsure of your relationship, you may consider refraining from offering.
• Never leave her side - You should not leave a lady you are accompanying unattended unless she excuses you. For example, if you are off to get her something to drink. Before, this meant that if a lady excused herself from a table, for example, to go to the bathroom, then she had to be escorted there. I don't think anyone would do this nowadays.
• Offer your hand - You should always offer your hand in assistance. This is true for when a lady is sitting or rising, but is also true figuratively. You should get her something to eat or drink (as the situation dictates) if she desires such, or other such accomodations.
• In her defense - Much like in the Middle Ages, it is upon you to keep your lady secure. However, this duty is more ceremonial than it is actual. No one expects you to kill anyone or slay a dragon. It's more like rescuing her from her nosy uncle with his prying questions. Keep in mind that while protecting your lady is noble, you should not be so vigilant that you act like an overbearing parent. A modern woman will let you know in subtle ways when she wants to be rescued, and when she would rather defend herself.

Out to dinner

• Sitting & standing revisited - All those sitting and standing rules apply especially when out to dinner.
• A good maitre d' makes life easy - One of the jobs of a maitre d' is to seat you, and part of this job is to lead a lady to the table, seat her appropriately, thus obviating your duty in this regard. In other regards, a maitre d' (short for maitre d'hotel, or master of the house) is the most important person in a restaurant that you will talk to. However, there aren't a lot of restaurants that have a maitre d,' but many have the much less important greeter or hostess. A greeter and a maitre d' are in no ways equivilent. Maitre d' is a profession. It'd be like saying that the bellhop and the concierge are the same in a hotel.
• There's no maitre d' - Okay, don't panic. Here's what you have to do. Your hostess or greeter will lead the both of you to your table. When you get there, assess the table. If the table is not satisfactory, it is your duty to say so. If the table is satisfactory, then the hostess/greeter will leave. This person will not seat the lady. Seating the lady is now your job. You should seat a lady properly. Part of this is giving her a seat away from traffic, with a pleasant view, or in light that is flattering (see how a maitre d' makes life easier?). You should help her with her chair, and then seat yourself. Most often, you will seat yourself opposite to your date. However, there are situations where you may wish to seat yourself to the side of your date.
• Napkins - When seated next to a lady, you should actually open her napkin for her. Open it on your right below the level of the table, then lay it across her lap, using only your right hand. You should not adjust it at all. Simply lay it in her lap. After this is done, you may open your own napkin. I should make a note that I have never done this, and I do not view this as an essential activity of a gentleman. It is included for completeness's sake.
• Ordering - I would be very careful about ordering for a lady. If a lady tells you what she wishes to order, then I would check with her that it is alright to give the waiter her order. If not, then the lady should give her own order, and be first. If you place the order for her, give the waiter her order first.
• The waitstaff - If anything goes awry with the meal, it is your job to bring this to the attention of the waitstaff. This is especially true if something is wrong with a lady's meal. An escorted lady should never engage the waitstaff to complain. In fact, if you should ever find yourself on a date with a lady of exceptional breeding, she may never engage the waitstaff at all, leaving all such matters to you. The waitstaff should be watching your table, and if you need help, a glance or eye contact should be sufficient. It should go without saying that if something goes terribly wrong, you should not be afraid to ask for the manager (Again, a maitre d' makes life easier...).

Random essentials

• An umbrella - Every gentleman should have an umbrella ready in case a lady should need it. The proper way to hold an umbrella for a lady is to hold it in your left and let her come to your arm. She should get the lion's share of the umbrella's coverage. If this means you get a little wet, you get a little wet. While outside in inclimate weather, you should have the umbrella over her at all times, such as when she's getting into a car, etc. This is why it's in your left. Because you'll be doing other chivalrous tasks with your right.
• A handkerchief or tissues - When I went to St. Bernard's, my mother would always check to make sure that I had tissues. This was true if I was sick, but it didn't matter. I always had to have tissues. It wasn't until 11 years later that I figured it out. The tissues weren't for me. Since then, I carry on me at all times a clean handkerchief and/or tissues. You should offer either to any lady requiring one. You should keep your handkerchief in a neat square to show that it is clean. If it's not clean, you really shouldn't offer.
• A lighter - You should never engage in any tobacco product when in mixed company. That includes chew, snuff, pipes, cigars, and of course cigarettes. That being said, a lady you are with may desire a cigarette. If you happen to smoke, it'd be polite to offer, but more than likely, you will have to light her cigarette (since most smokers carry their own cigarettes). There is a proper way to do this. You light your lighter about two feet from her face, cupping the flame with your other hand. Once it is lit, move the lighter (still cupping the flame) within four or five inches of the end of her cigarette, and allow her to move to the flame.
• Never kiss & tell - Discretion is the better part of valor.
• Stairs - These are a bit funny. Don't follow a woman up stairs. You may walk abreast or even ahead. To any woman who has ever worn a mini skirt, the reasons are obvious